Lawyer’s Offer

Posted on February 10, 2008


In the middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It’s impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they’ll be there in 20 minutes.
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It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

“Aren’t you going to have a drink?” the doctor says.

“AFTER the police get here” replies the lawyer.

Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton and the Pope died around the same time. The Pope went to hell and Bill went to heaven. The Pope went to talk to the devil to see if there had been a mistake. He said "I think there has been a mistake. Designer Jeans
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I am the Pope and I should be in heaven, but Bill Clinton is in heaven and I am in hell." The devil talked it over with God and they decided to switch the Pope and Bill. So The Pope is walking between heaven and hell and meets Bill on the way. The Pope being excited to go to heaven says "I cannot wait to meet the Virgin Mary!" to which Bill replies, "Too late."

You are an Internet Junkie when...
1) When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://
2) Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
3) You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
4) You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released.
5) You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
6) Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
7) In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com
8) On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number.
9) You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
10) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.Cheap Atlanta Falcons jerseys
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11) You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
12) You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than .
13) You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
14) Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
15) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.

20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
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By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!

He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from
getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your
new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work ... more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency
crotch adjustments
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're
talking to them.
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16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So,
notice anything different?"
19. One mood, ALL the damn time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

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This is the tail of Daniel Morgan,
Who had a tiny sexual organ,
It was just one inch when fully reared,
When lying down it disappeared.
It was just by chance they called him Danny,
Half an inch less they?d have called him fanny,
It gave his girlfriends such a shock,
When they put their hands on his tiny cock,
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One day Dan read in the daily mail that things called falsies were on sale,
For women who had tiny breasts they wore these things inside their vests,
Now Dan said ?I'm no fool, why can?t I make a big false tool?
So he worked all night to make a shopper,
And he ended up with a great big whopper,
It was twelve inches long and made of plastic,
And would stretch any girls fanny, like elastic,
It really was a lovely job and on the end was a big red knob,
He tied it up with lots of twine and it really did look rather fine,
Lying there beneath his pants,
It looked just like an elephants.

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One day a redneck farmer goes to farmers market and asks "Do you have any donkeys"

"Yes, but we call them asses" the man replies.

"Ok, I'll take one" says the farmer "also I need a rooster, have you got any"

"No" replies the man "but we do have some cockrells. Will that do."

"Sure" says the man "Gimme one of those also"
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When he arrived home he found that both his new animals were being quite troublesome.

He called his wife and said "You bend down and grab my cock, while I slap my ass"